Another Stephanie Plum Adventure
by CrosserX
Summary: Stephanie Plum does NOT snore like a man. Becasue of this so-called snoring, Stephanie is now living with the Other man, Ranger, while her newly-broken-in-to-apartment is fixed. For living there, she has to do one favor for Ranger: Babysit his daughter. Now Stephanie has a fifteen year old and a cougar tagging along on her adventures. Not really a babe or a cupcake. Her usual both
1. Chapter 1

I was laying on a beach, the ozone soaking into my skin as the waves crashed down on the beach. I looked great in my expensive bikini and giant sunglasses, my face was zit-free, and my hair looked great.

Then my phone rang, and I woke up.

"Babe," Ranger said into the phone. "Were you sleeping?"

"Yeah," I said.

"It's three o'clock."

"In the morning?"

"In the afternoon."

I sighed. "I took down a skip this morning. I'm tired, and I had to go through a titty bar on Stark to get him. Lula knocked me over, and I knocked my head on the counter. I have a headache, so I'm napping."

"Babe. You have got to get a new job."

"You sound like Joe."

"Yippee. My life is now complete."

That cheered me up, so I smiled.

My name is Stephanie Plum. In reality, I rarely have good hair days, and at the moment, I had a zit on my chin. I can barely afford Wal-Mart clearance bathing suits, and my worst fear is that if I slipped into a bikini, a fat roll would fall out.

"So what's up?" I asked.

"I'm flying out to Florida for a few days. Tanks here, if you need anything. I'll call you when I get back." He hung up, and I got up, pulled my fingers through my hair, and made my way into the kitchen.

I rummaged around my kitchen until I found some crackers and beer. I sighed at my pathetic meal, then called Connie.

"Hi," I said. "Did anything come in today?"

"As a matter of fact, yeah. Mooner skipped out."

"Awesome!" I said. "Easy money."

"This will make your day, too. So did Sally."

"Oh my God. Sweet? Sally Sweet and Mooner?"

"Have fun."

I hung up, walked out to my crapola '98 Impala, and made my way to the bonds office.

I walked in, and Connie and my cousin Vinnie were having an old-west fashioned stare down.

My cousin Vinnie has the body of a weasel, with a face to match. He has graying black hair greased back, gold chains around his neck, and pointy shoes. He liked rough sex, and ducks.

"I never ask anything of you!" Vinnie was shouting. "You sit there at your desk, typing all day, while I'm working hard. If Harry comes in here looking for me, you don't say 'Sure, he's in his office' you say 'He moved to Jamaica!'"

"Hi," I said to Lula, who was on the couch filing. Her nails. "I'm going after a few skips. Do you want to ride along?"

"Who is it? I ain't sure it's worth missing out on World War Three over here."

"Mooner and Sally Sweet."

A minute later, we were both in my car.

Lula is a large black women who often squeezes into size 6 or below clothing. Today she was wearing a shiny red sequin top to match her bright red hair. She had squeezed her ass into a pair of black shorts, and was wearing five inch heels.

"So what did these two do, anyhow?" She asked.

"They got drunk at a bar and took a whiz on the counter."

"At the same time?"

"Apparently."

Mooner lived in an RV that at one time served as the bonds office. I knocked on the rusty door, and he oepend the door, looking stoned as ever.

"Steph!" He exclaimed. "And Lula! Awesome. What's up, dudettes?"

"Did you piss on a bar counter?" Lula asked.

"It was crazy, man. Me and Sally were at this bar, and the next thing, we were both on the counter with our barn doors wide open. I don't even remembering getting up there or even having to go. It was like mind control, or something. Like, from a higher source of power." He rolled his eyes up towards the sky. Lula and I looked, too, but didn't see anything.

"So why'd you skip?"

Mooner handed us a flyer – It advertised 'Moon Man and Sweets Extraterrestrial Extravaganza.'

"It was the same day as our court appearances," he explained. "Bogus, man. We had a good turn out, too. Seventy-three people came. We're having another one Saturday. You all should come. Bring Vinnie."

Over my dead body. "Will you come with me to get you re-scheduled?"

"Sure, man. No prob. Is that your car?" I turned around.

"Hey!" I said. My car was running away! I ran after it, but it was rolling down the hill – it speed down the hill faster and faster, crashing into a light pole. The pole cracked and fell over onto my car.

Mooner, Lula, and I watched as an electrical wire gave off sparks, and my car erupted in flames. I silently thanked God and Mooners aliens for letting me have my purse in my hand.

The fire department was there within minutes, putting out what used to be my car. Tank rolled up a moment later, then Carl Costanza and his partner, Big Dog. Behind them came Joe.

The four men stood there, staring as the charred car. Carl was grinning.

"It wasn't my –" I started to say.

"Did you put the parking brake on?" Morelli asked, rocking back and forth on his heels, a small grin on his face.

"I thought I did." I looked at my watch. "I have to go – can we wrap this up?"

"It doesn't even affect her anymore," Carl said, shaking his head, disgusted. Tank grunted in agreement.

"I have to get Mooner to the station."

"We can take the bus," Mooner said.

* * *

That evening, Lula dropped me off at my parents.

"I'm surprised to see you," Grandma Mazur said. "This isn't your usual night."

"My car got exploded," I said. "Can I borrow the Buick?"

My mothers eyes darted to the cabinet where she kept her liquor, then went back to stirring the pasta sauce.

"Sure," Grandma said. "Do you want to stay for dinner?"

"No thanks," I said. "I ordered a pizza for me and Rex, and I want a quiet evening at home." For once.

When I got to my apartment, I stopped and gasped. The door was hanging on one hinge. I could see into the apartment, seeing things turned over. I removed my hairspray from my purse and entered the apartment. I flipped the light on, then realized that the lightbulb was busted. I grabbed a flashlight from beside the door, and looked around. The house was a wreak. I checked for big scary guys, but didn't find any. Rex's hamster cage was flipped over. I panicked when I couldn't find him, then finally found him cowering under the sofa.

I gathered up some things and went to Joes.


	2. Chapter 2

I woke up the next morning with Bob cuddling me. I sat up and looked around for Joe or a note, but saw nothing. Frowning, I put his robe on and went downstairs.

I found Joe asleep on the couch, his face pressed into the pillow. I shook him. "Hey," I said. "Hey!"

"What?" He snapped and turned over.

"Why'd you leave the bed?"

He turned back over. "Why do you think? You sounded like a damn grizzly bear."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I demanded, my fists on my hips.

"You snore."

"I do not snore!"

Morelli sat up, his hair ruffled and his eyes sleepy. "Like hell you don't. I couldn't get any sleep. We fool around for five minutes, and you're out like a light, snoring."

"_I do not snore!_"

"Sweetie, I could hear you all the way down here. Bob was whining. Face it cupcake, you snore like a man."

"I do not!"

"Fine. Whatever. Just go make some coffee."

"Oh, so now I snore and I'm your slave?"

"Steph –"

"Alls you ever want to do is fool around and eat! Well, what about me and my needs? Maybe you should make the coffee for once! I have a life, too!" I was yelling and waving my hands around, but still. I was pissed.

"This is about your car, right? You're mad because it blew up. That wouldn't happen if you had a good job. A nice, respectable job. Like a DMV worker. Or a housewife. Or a hooker." His eyes softened. "Yeah, a hooker would be nice."

"Did you say housewife?"

"Sure. When we get married, who's going to stay home with the kids?"

"_Kids? _Who said anything about kids? We haven't even got far in the marriage department! Do you see me shopping for groceries? Cooking meals? No! And what's this about me staying home? Why don't you stay home? I have a job! I like my job, sometimes. And it can pay ok."

"Why did you have to go and start something? The only reason this even happened is because you snore!"

Now he was yelling, going all Italian-anger on me.

"I didn't start it! You did. When you said I snored."

"Because you sound like a man!"

Five minutes later, and I was out of there. Rex was in the front seat, and stopped at the bonds office.

"Hi," I said. "Rex is staying here today."

Connie looked at the cage, frowning. "What's it do?"

"Well, he's a hamster. He sleeps. And he eats. Keep him away from Vinnie, please."

A few minutes later, Lula and I were on the way to Sally Sweets house.

Sally Sweet is a rather large man that wishes he wasn't actually a man, sometimes. At least, it appears like that. He often wears women's clothing.

Outside of Sallys house was a large, yellow school bus that he drove. Sally was pretty good at his job. He was good to the kids, and kept an Uzi under his seat.

Lula and I rang his bell, and he opened, looking sleepy with his long hair messy and one rhinestone earring hanging from his ear. It took a minute for recognition to hit, and he grinned. "Stephanie Plum! How the hell are ya?"

"Great. How's it going?"

"Awesome. Do you want to come in?"

Lula and I stepped into his Drag Queen Cave, and he brought us tea. "What can I do for you, ladies?"

"You're in violation of your bond agreement. Can you come down to the court house and reschedule your court date?"

He hesitated. "Can is wait 'till the weekend? I have to drive the bus all this week."

I sighed. Well, I had brought Mooner in – that should get me through the week, at least. "Sure," I finally said, not wanting to cause trouble with Sally. He smiled.

"Great! Listen, can you two stay for a few? I want to try on this gorgeous gown I found, and I'd love your alls opinion. . ."

* * *

"So whos next?" Lula asked.

I looked at my file. "Cuddy Shanzowitz."

"What'd he do?"

"Let a raccoon loose in his neighbors house."

"Well, whats so bad about that?"

"The raccoon bit the neighbor."

"So?"

"It was rabid."

Lula blinked. "I hate rabid animals. What kinda sick ass mother would let a raccoon with rabies loose in his neighbors house?"

"The crazy kind. After he let the raccoon loose, he tried to lit the neighbors car on fire."

"Sounds friendly."

We stopped outside Cuddys house, and knocked on his door. We didn't get an answer. I frowned and looked at Lula. "Cover the front door – I'm going to check the back."

I went around back, and tried the backdoor. It was unlocked. The second I entered, the overwhelming smell of animal hit me. I covered my nose with my sleeve, and looked around. All sorts of wild animals were in the house; raccoons, squirrels, birds, two foxes, and a cougar. I stiffened, then backed out, but the animals were all starring. Before I got a chance to scream, they all ran out the door quick as possible, knocking me over on my ass.

A minute later, I heard Lula scream.

I ran around front, and found her on top the Buick, cowering from the cougar.

"Help!" She screamed. "Help! Oh, Lordy, help, it's going to eat me!"

The neighbors door opened. "He won't eat you!" the neighbor yelled. "He's just smelling you!"

"Wheres Cuddy Shanowitz?" I called.

"Hell if I know. He took off three days ago. Good riddance, too. The guys a fuckin' nut. He threw a raccoon at me!" And he slammed the door.

I turned around and found myself face-to-face with the cougar.

I went rigid, and the giant cat sniffed me, before rubbing up against me.

Lula slowly climbed down, and the cougar snuggled against her.

"Huh," she said, patting its head. "Well, he ain't so bad. He's kinda cute. Look, I think he likes you, Steph."

My cell phone rang.

"Theres a stampede of wild animals all over the Burg," Morelli said. "Do you know anything about this?"

"I know you don't have to worry about the cougar."

"What cougar?"

"What? Sorry, can't hear, you, cutting, off." I hung up. Then I looked at the cougar. "What do we do with him?"

Lula looked at its collar. "Says here his name is Simba. Well, ain't that cute! I could just eat him up."

"We can't just leave him here."

"Well, I'd offer to take him home, but seeing as my apartment has a strict no giant cat policy. . ."

I sighed.


	3. Chapter 3

I parked in the underground garage of Rangeman and opened the back door, allowing Simba out. Feeling incredibly awkward, I had bought a plastic kitty pool and a lot of kitty litter, plus a leash. Deciding to come back for the litter, I hooked the leash onto Simba and walked into the building. I waved at the monitors, but was stopped by Raymond and Hal a moment later.

"Whats with the cat?" Raymond asked.

I looked at Simba, who was licking his paw. "This is Simba. He's staying with me for a while."

Hall rocked back on his heels, hands in his pockets, grinning. "In Rangers apartment?"

"Someone broke into mine. You guys want to go get the kitty litter and stuff? Rex is in the car. Can you bring them up?"

I went on ahead as the Rangeman men proceeded to my car. I unlocked the door to Rangers apartment, and flipped the light on.

We decided to put the giant litter box in the hall, and I put Rex on the counter.

I smelled like animals, and needed a shower. I took Simba into the bathroom with me, just in case Ranger came home and was startled. Then he might shoot Simba, and that would be down-right depressing.

After my shower, I rung my hair out and dried it, then slipped into a pair of my undies kept in a special drawer in Rangers closet, and pulled on one of his T-shirts and a pair of black sweatpants. I shut Simba in the room, then whistled as Rangers housekeeper, Ella, came up for dinner. She smiled at me.

"Here's your dinner," she said. "I know you like stuff with more flavor then Ranger does, so I made meatballs."

Turns out Ellas meatballs are better then anything on earth.

After I ate my dinner, I went into the bedroom and cuddled into the bed, Simba at my feet.

* * *

I woke up and looked at the clock, seeing it was two in the morning. I could hear Ranger rustling about.

"You're home early," I muttered, letting my head fall back onto the pillow.

"Short trip. There's a lion in my bed."

"He's a cougar."

Ranger gently nudged the cat off the bed, and got in bed next to me, wrapping his arms around me and nuzzling my neck.

"We'll talk about this later," he promised, kissing my shoulder.

* * *

The next morning I woke up alone. Ranger was already out of bed, and I could hear the shower running. I opened the bathroom door and brushed my teeth, before Ranger coaxed me into the shower with him.

A while later we got ready together, both in Rangeman black. I let Simba into the hallway to do is business, and as I waited for him, I noticed a bundle of blankets on the sofa. I looked at Ranger, who was pouring orange juice.

I walked back to the kitchen, sitting down. "If that's Joyce Barnhardt on your couch, I'll have to strangle you."

"Speaking of that," Ranger said, shrugging into his jacket. "I need you to do some babysitting."

"Excuse me?"

Ranger grabbed his sunglasses and his car keys. He tossed me a pair of keys. "Here, use the truck instead of the Buick."

"What about the babysitting?"

Ranger pulled me into him and kissed me hard. "Latter, babe," he whispered, nibbling my bottem lip.

And he was gone.

"Tease," I mumbled.

"I heard that," came Ranger's voice from behind the door.

Sighing, I glanced at the lump on the couch, then moved to the kitchen. On the counter were several piece of paper with neat, pretty handwriting that could only belong to a woman.

_Julie's Weekly Schedule_

_6:35 a.m. - Julie gets up_

_6:35 - 7:20 a.m. - Julie showers, gets dressed, brushes her teeth, etc._

_7:22 - 7:35 - Julie eats breakfast_

_7:39 - Julie leaves for school. _

_3:04 - Julie gets home from school._

_3:06 - 4:45 - Julie does her homework. (If she gets finished early, she needs to study.)_

_4:45 - 5:50 - Julie has violin practice._

_5:50 - 6:00 -Julie talks on the phone, gets on the computer, etc._

_6:00 - 6:35 - Julie eats dinner._

_6:35 - 7:00 - Julie can get on the computer or watch T.V. or read._

_7:00 - 8:00 - Julie does her chores._

_8:00 - 8:30 - Julie gets ready for bed (brushes her teeth and hair, picks out her clothes for tomorrow, etc.)_

_8:30 - 9:00 - Julie reads_

_9:00 - Julie goes to bed. _

I let out a low whistle. This girl had every moment of her life perfectly planned. Beneath her weekly schedule was her weekend and break schedule, which I continued to cringe at.

As I continued to read down the list of Tortureous Living, my cell rang.

"What time are you coming in?" Lula asked.

"Dunno yet," I said. "Why?"

"Connie just screamed and threw something at Vinnie, then stormed off."

Jesus. "I'll be right there."

I hung up and turned around, then almost pissed my pants when I saw Julie standing in front of me.

I had only meet Julie one other time. She was Rangers daughter. She was young, probably about fifteen or so. She had wild dark-brown hair, and her fathers eyes. And she stood right in front of me.

"Are you my dads girlfriend?" she asked sleepily.

"I don't think so. Nice to see you again, under different circumstances."

"You too. Stephanie, right?"

"Right." I looked towards the disregarded list on the counter. "Um, listen, I have to head into work, but you're supposed to stay with me . . .?"

She nodded. "I'll go get dressed."

Sighing, I rubbed my temples, begging God - And Moonmans aliens - for an easy day.


End file.
